Tuesday, September 14, 2004
*.* The triumph of the cross *.*
Today is the feast of the triumph of the cross. The Catholic Church celebrates this feast day to remember the cross as a sign of Jesus' suffering for us and His victory over death, sin, evil and darkness.
Yesterday, I ended my meeting at Dhoby Ghaut early. As it was only 5pm and I had class at 7 pm, I decided to make my way down to Cathedral of the Good Shepherd (opposite Chijmes) to pray, talk to God and maybe attend evening mass. to my disappointment, there was no evening mass. :( I decided to just sit down in the church and talk to God.
And so as I sat down in the church alone, I was looking at the cross. I prayed that I may learn how to unite the things that wearied me with Jesus on the cross. I prayed that I may learn how to revere the cross.
And as I spoke to Jesus, I offered up my weary soul. If I had not taken stock of my life, I would not have realized how tired I was. Yes, i do admit that I am getting a bit tired serving in the RCIY ministry. Perhaps this tiredness was further amplified when I seemed to have lost a source of support in the ministry. I felt sad when I read my friend's blog. A bit hurt too cos I felt that my intentions were taken otherwise. And when I felt that I lost a source of support, I felt so alone. I had to prepare myself mentally to find another new source of support, the current source decides to go off. And so I was pondering over the same type of questions my friend was thinking too... "Is it worth it to serve in RCIY? What am I doing here? Why do I bother to sacrifice my time for this ministry? Am I jsut wasting my time?" I was indeed tired. The reason why I did not realize i am so tired was because I did not allow myself to think or feel that way.
But when I looked at Jesus on the cross, for that moment when my eyes were fixed on Him, I could feel His immense exhaustion too. Jesus was tired when He was carrying the cross on His way to Calvary. He had stopped many times cos He found it too heavy to carry the cross. That was why Simon from Cyrene had to help Him carry the cross. He had also fallen many times and can you imagine the immense strength He had to summon to lift up His cross again?
Yes, Jesus understands how tired I am. But surprisingly, I was comforted to continue to give in this RCIY ministry. The reason why Jesus could continue carrying His cross was because He was directly focusing onto God, His Father. He had no bloody reason to carry the cross for us. He carried it because He felt that it was His Father's will.
My staying on in the RCIY ministry doesn't need to depend on other people who throws in stones, pebbles along the way. These are just distractions. i have always wanted RCIY to be a ministry of the Body of Christ, where it is bult on love and faith. When distractions come by, these should not stop me from giving in this ministry. Jesus wants me to walk on. Jesus wants me to carry this cross. But it will be easier now cos Jesus is carrying with me.
Today, marks the 5th month death anniversary of my dad. I only realized it nearing to the day. I still miss him alot. My family still misses him a lot. I guess we dun tok about it. Like today, I am sure my mum remembers that today is the 5th month eversince my dad died. Occassionally, I tried to replay the total scene on that fateful day. But it was just too painful to do so.
Looking back, I feel that my family has been strong enough to pull through this difficult moment. We were very sad but we were very strong throughout the wake and funeral. It was very sad that the funeral was the only time my dad attended mass wiht us, as a family. The funeral mass was "homemade"... bro did the 1st reading, i did responsorial psalm, my sis did the 2nd reading... singing the responsorial psalm was the very first time i sand in public. I usually shyed away from singing in public cos I always think my voice sucked. But on that day, I sang my favourite responsorial psalm... Loving and Forgiving.. Psalm 121 i think.
Since then, my dad has appeared to my mum in her dream.. He told her he is really very happy right now. He was very cheeky towards my mum and he was laughing throughout the whole dream. I guess that dream meant a lot to my mum because it affirmed her that my dad is really happy in Heaven.
The triumph of the cross is very significant to me today.
"...so must the Son of Man be lifted up, so that everyone who believes in him may have eternal life."
Throughout the saddest moment of our lives, my family has continously looked upon the cross. We looked at Jesus for his consolation, hope and healing. It's just like when I was at Cathedral of the Good Shepherd yesterday... I looked at Jesus on the cross and offered up all my tiredness and other hopes and dreams.
It's like.. I always thought eternal life refers to everlasting life with Jesus in heaven. But this has now changed. That as long as we look upon Jesus, keep our eyes fixed on Him, He will not only grant us eternal life, He will also give us peace, serenity, hope and faith to live on. He will give us what we need to go through what we have to go through.
Lord Jesus, I offer up to you the MOE interview and my current job. What fears me most is that things may or may not change after Monday. I may stay on in this current job or I may move on to become a teacher. Whatever it is, I pray for peace and hope. Help me to be hopeful but not complacent. Help me to be surrendering so that I may control less. And Lord, thank You for my family... for my mummy, kor and sister.. Thank You for giving them to me, and for keeping them alive.
Dearest Mother, pray for her as your child takes another step in her life. Pray for me that I will be able to pull through the interview on Monday. Pray for me that I will be patient and trusting during this waiting time. Amen.
Jesus said to Nicodemus: “No one has gone up to heaven except the one who has come down from heaven, the Son of Man. And just as Moses lifted up the serpent in the desert, so must the Son of Man be lifted up, so that everyone who believes in him may have eternal life.”
For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him might not perish but might have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through him.
John 3:13-17
A Child of God blogged @ | 11:16 pm
