*.* Practicum Reflections *.*
Spending 10 weeks at Practicum was definitely not as easy as I thought to be.Yesterday, I was looking at my inital entries before and during my Maths practicum. I remembered that I was feeling nervous about my first day at Zhong Hua. Maths was not my strong teaching subject and I always have the phobia of screwing up my teaching. Somehow, teaching Maths is difficult because I have to transform the abstract to something concrete, something is simple and interesting for the students to learn. But maths practicum had the obstacle of teaching Sec 3 topics which I was not even trained for. And those 3 weeks at Zhong Hua was spent coordinating and running through my lesson plans with my Prof.God is good. He has given me more than I asked for. I prayed for a CT whom I could get along with and a good class to teach Maths. He has given me a Catholic CT who is caring, meticulous, systematic, easy to get along with and open to ideas. And He has given me a special/express class which is so smart, quick, witty and is manageable. Those 3 observations by CT and 1 observation by Supervisor just went by. They were nothing fantastic, nothing to wow them but my Supervisor was happy with my first lesson. She said that for a beginning teacher, the lesson was good. Of course, she made a few nitty gritty comments which I made sure I worked on them for the next observation. God is good to have given me good practicum mates as well. They were people whom I felt so comfortable with. We could crack jokes, makan together and share our woes with. It's really amazing how we bothered to meet up at the end of practicum even though I was separated from them for 7 weeks. Sadly, I had to depart from secondary school, my practicum mates and maths to head for NYJC.At NYJC, I felt a little bit of pressure. After all, Econs is my first subject which takes priority over my Maths. This is the real ball game I am playing. Plus, the culture there is definitely more formal than in Zhong Hua. No more of those casualness. There is a certain code of conduct I need to maintain. For a moment, I felt as if God did not give me what I had prayed for. My inital impression of my CT was that she was rather aloof, not that helpful and I found it difficult to really establish rapport that easily as my CT in Zhong Hua. Further, I had some negative comments about the staff culture there. There was a certain element of ambiguity that I had to deal with. And I prayed even harder. That God would help me establish a stronger rapport with my CT. And for that, God finally worked through His ways. Very soon, my CT and myself were working partners. She was my photographer during classes. She was my strategiser. She was my check board - I vetted my teaching ideas with her. She was my cushion - all my moans, groans and whinings, she bore it all. I also prayed that I will have good classes. My CT gave me the choice of classes. In other words, I decided on my classes for teaching and for observations. I think I prayed for wisdom in my choice of classes so eventually, I decided on 0608 (majority girls) and 0613 (majority guys). I was very intimidated by 0613 because these boys are usually restless and classroom management would be difficult. But surprisingly, I had 0613 under my control. And I was blessed with a very genuine class of 0608. Either way, 0608 and 0613 were supportive in very different ways. But they were good to me and they reciprocated my efforts in teaching. And soon after, in came my observations. The real thing. For one thing, I had a lot of free tutorials so I could do whatever I wanted. I then created my own tutorials which required my students to role-play. I created my own case studies which required the students to apply economic theories to the real world. Not only that, I played games with them. I even put myself in a humourous limelight by putting up a powerpoint presentation of myself in different expressions (I was pretending to be the CEO of Nokia). For the ultimate observation by the moderator, I even created an activity for my students to experience the Law of Diminishing Marginal Returns.Now that practicum is over for 1 week, I am so amazed at how crazy and courageous I was. I was crazy to digress from the basic requirement of doing simple but boring school tutorials to creating and implement my own tutorials which are risky and heart thumping. Seriously, after my 2nd observation by the Supervisor, I vowed to be more simple. No more risk taking. No more near heart-attack experiences. It was enough. I cannot bear that tension anymore.But it wasn't that easy road for me. My supervisor had a very good 2nd observation such that she gave me the highest praise of having the pleasure to assess me. So when I shared with my CT that I am opting for something simpler, she was like "No way!" I had better to show her my questioning and evaluation techniques and a different technique of teaching. Oh my... but it seems that I had used up all my techniques already. So I prayed even harder. How do I teach this topic? What will I teach? Once I had decided that I shall teach my students how to evaluate elasticity concepts, I faced the problem of teaching my students how to evaluate. I asked God for help again to teach me how to teach my students to evaluate. And he sent me some angels of which one of them told me to "squeeze water out of stone" i.e. question my students till I get the answers out from them. And the 3rd observation by my supervisor came. I was under pressure as I had to meet her high expectations. I also didn't want to let her down cos she was happy with me. I was scared and nervous.But on that day of observation, God is good. He took away my fear and anxiety. He helped me to be totally at ease with my students and with my supervisor. Even though my students were feeling lousy over their PE class, they still did their best for me. And God is good to have given me the idea of using my calendar of different moods to cheer my class up. Everything went so well during that last observation that my supervisor didn't write much comments on her paper. In other words, there was nothing much to improve and she was basically saying things to have something to say. I was very thankful indeed that for all 3 observations, I managed to meet and even surpass my supervisor's observations. Apparently, the other 2 trainees under her didn't have an easy time and for me, it just seemed so easy with her. God is good. He was walking infront of me for every observation. He took charge of the whole situation. I recalled that when I started my Practicum, I had this ridiculous goal of getting a distinction. My mum forewarned me that this could turn into disappointment and advised me to take things as they come. I took ehr advice and cast away my goal of getting a distinction. I admitted that I wanted a distinction because it was like the trump card to getting back into AJC and somehow, I will feel good. But it was in Zhong Hua, when I realized that getting a distinction is not that easy. So I decided to focus on doing my lessons well and ensuring my students learn and enjoy learning. And so when my CT told me after the last observation that my supervisor was thinking of putting me up for distinction, I told my CT that I wanted to go for it. It is only now that I realized how brave I was. Cos the next 2 weeks were days filled with more stress, pressure, emotional tension and expectations. Those 2 weeks were far worse than any preparation for the supervisor's observation. I had a roller coaster ride of being "on the ball" and than "off the ball". After having had that final observation by the moderator, I told my other friend who was on contract teaching not to go for distinction cos the emotional strain is far more excruciating than any other thing. The wait had been tortuous. Practicum had not been that easy as I thought to be. I also thought that I wouldn't learn so much things during this period of time. I thought it would be like a contract teaching experience. When I look back at those 10 weeks, I am so amazed at myself. I did more than what I thought I could actually do. In terms of teaching pedagogies, my goodness? I couldn't believe that I actually came up with these ideas. How did I manage to win over the classes I taught? I seriously do not know. How did I manage to establish rapport with my CTs and colleagues? How on earth did I satisfy my supervisor and even get so much recognition from her? When my HOD came to observe me, he even commented that the contract teacher should come in and observe me. When my other practicum mate was doing poorly for her observations, my CT even told her to come in and observe me. Seriously, what was I doing well in? I just didn't know.For this moment, I was getting so much recognition that I felt it was unnecessary. To me, I was just teaching. Just teaching. But to others, it was good teaching. And I wonder, what good is there? Up till now, I still feel that I am just plain teaching. God has been very good to me. It is even better than striking 4D. For once, I am gaining recognition for what I have done. I have never gained recognition for the hardwork I put in. When I worked hard in uni, I didnt get to do Honours. Even when I worked hard at ACNielsen, I got backstabbed. When I worked hard at idealog, the opportunites were given away to the males. And now, people are recognizing my hardwork and I am just not used to the attention. God has been very good to me. He has blessed me with the natural ability to teach. As what my colleague who is a senior teacher told me,"You are a natural teacher. You're able to get thestudents' attention and keep their attention to yourself." It's precisely the whole point that I think I am just plain teaching that made me realize that God has given me the natural gifts and talents to teach. Because all the things I had done was normal to me but others had perceived it to be so abnormally special that made me realize that God is very good to me, that He has blessed me with the wisdom, attitudes and the ability to teach. God is good to me because He has made my paths so straight and smooth. Teaching Maths at Zhong Hua was smooth. Compared to my other friends, I had an easier time. Teaching Econs at NYJC was even smoother. I all along wanted to go to CJC and had even applied there so many times. This was because I wanted a catholic environment to teach. But God is good to uproot my from AJC and put me in NYJC because there was a Catholic prayer group there! Every Monday, the group of Catholics would pray together. So for any observation, they would be praying for me. Not only that, I could share my faith with the Christans. There was spiritual support in NYJC, something which I had always longed for. Without this support, I wouldn't had persevered through and kept myself going. Most importantly, God taught me the invaluable lesson objective. For every lesson plan I wrote, I had to state the lesson objective. But through all the ups and downs during the past 10 weeks, He taught me how to love myself. He taught me that in loving myself, I need not be shy of what I am. He taught me that if I want to love myself, I should put on more stars on myself and be proud of who I am and what I had done. He taught me that in loving myself, I need to accept my weaknesses and still put stars over my weaknesses. Why should I be weighed down by what I am incapable of? Why should I look for things to put myself down with? Why am I not patting myself on my back for a job well done? He taught me that I am indeed very special. That teaching is definitely the job for me. That my students love me so much because I had touched their lives. That my students enjoy Economics classes because I had inspired them to learn. And yes, given that there were many many affirmations from different people, He taught me that I am good. I cannot say that i am a good teacher. But He taught me that the definition of "good" is not restricted to just the qualifications one holds but to how we reach out to people's lives. i remebered sharing with the Catholic prayer group that I have this weakness of not being feeling good about myself. I tend to look at myself negatively and always put myself in failure before I even make an attempt. My final observation with the moderator was one perfect example. I was no longer ambitious of getting the distinction so that I will "look good". This time, it was more like an opportunity to do something more. An opportunity to make my dad happy. But most of the time, I felt that I was incapable of carrying out a distinction class. I felt very demoralized and was wondering what kind of distinction material I was. The worst kind, I must say. But nevertheless, God sent my student Amy to give me that affirmation such that it gave me enough courage and confidence to put my best foot forward for my dad. I gave it my all. I got to say that observation was the one where I put in so much effort and so much of my best. I'm glad I gave it my all. It was a good lesson. Whatever the result was, it doesn't matter very much to me anymore because it was a good lesson.God has indeed taught me an invaluable lesson. He has made me learn that teaching is the career He had put me in. I have a role to play in teaching. Whatever that role is, He's going to reveal to me in the next years. He has made me learn that I should give recognition for even the simplest good I have done. That I should moderate my expectations on myself and be good to myself. To learn how to put stars on myself and not dots. God has also taught me how powerful God's will is. Considering that NYJC does not have any vacancies, God still willed for me to go to NYJC permanently. It was beyond my wildest imagination that I could get into NYJC. I had mentally prepared myself to go to other jcs but God willed it otherwise. Praise the Lord for He is good! I'm indeed grateful to God for making my practicum a smooth process. He has affirmed my gifts and talents through my students, my colleagues, my supervisor and moderator. I know that He has a role for me to play in teaching and in NYJC. I'm getting excited about teaching and I really hope I will be able to fit into the shoes of a permanent teacher easily. From yesterday's Novena and mass, I got enlightened by their readings. To which, I will share about them later in the afternoon. i know it is a bit of anticlimax ending but it's 2 am and I think the next blog deserves more time and attention. Hahaha... what a way to end this post!Praise the Lord for He is good! He has done many wonders for me. Thank You Lord!
A Child of God blogged @ | 12:32 am
