*.* Tuesdays with Morrie (Part 1) *.*
I have started reading this book called 'Tuesdays with Morrie" after my Maths Test.
It writes of the writer visiting his prof who is dying of Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS). This condition slowly degenerates your whole body system, leaving a person slowly withering away, into death.
And I have been thinking a lot. So much that I think if I think harder, my head is going to burst and I think if I think further, I may eventually risk going into a delusion, trapped in a maze.
Indeed, if you truly appreciate the meaning of "Tuesdays with Morrie", you would have discovered the many insights of the writer.
From Pg 35, the prof, Morrie was telling Mitch:
"Well, for one thing, the culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves. We're teaching the wrong things. And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn't work, don't buy it. Create your own. Most people can't do it. They're more unhappy than me - even in my current condition."
Ask you something:
Are you happy with yourself?
Are you happy with your life?
Do you want more?
Here're my answers:
1) Nope, I am not happy with myself. I am severely obese; my hair is not smooth, silky.
2) I am not that happy with my life. I feel that I am not doing that well in my career. I feel that I am not that smart enough. I feel that I have done a lousy job as a teacher. I do not like my role as a co-ordinator who has to remind the neophytes to come for class, chase them for reasons and give them that pep talk. I do not like having to accommodate to people, without being a bitch to them. Why do I need to be so scared to voice my opinions? Why am I scared to think that they will be angry? Why must I care whether they will be angry/ hurt?
I do not like to meet the people I have to meet. But I have to. And it sucks a great deal.
On the other hand, I am happy with my family. My family is the most blessed thing that has ever happened to me. I am thankful for the times I go off early from school to rest at home and spend some moments with my family.
3) Yes, I want more. I want to be smarter. I want to be popular. I want to be highly favoured. I want to be accepted.
Honestly, I can never fit into the AJ culture. Chinese-speaking, too driven, too smart for me and everyday, they are driven to meet expectations, which I do not think it is even values-adding to their morality.
You know what struck me the most from the passage? It's the sentence "the culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves."
It's the culture. It's never YOU (or myself, per say).
In other words, the culture has measured people according to the success that they have, the qualifications you have. Basically, you have to be like what the culture wants; be what the people expect you to be. And if you drift away from the cultural norms, you are regarded as different and it doesn't feel good.
Take for example, me being obese. I always tell people that sometimes when I board the bus, people look at me cos I am BIG. Some go to the extent of staring continuously at me, throughout the bus journey.
Another example, students got so wowed by their teacher when she said she has 4 distinctions for her As' and 2 merits for her S paper. She got a scholarship to study in France but they do not think that highly of teachers who come out with normal grades, from a normal university.
Next line... "We're teaching the wrong things."
Yes, we are.
Parents have pushed the responsibility of nurturing and guiding their kids to their teachers and tutors. As long as I turn up for their bi-annual PTM, I have done my part. (Must allocate specific instructions to their tutors.)
Rewarding kids with tangible (highly) stuff. Can never forget how my student got his PDA when his dad rewarded him for scoring top in his technical class. There were only 4 students in his technical class.
I saw a J2 student having a O2 handphone ( a PDA cum handphone) that costs more than $1K.
So indeed, we are teaching the wrong things. Does it mean that if you managed to get into RJ, you will be happy? Does it mean that if I have a teaching scholarship, I am going to be a good teacher who is going to climb higher and higher? Is a friend a friend just because she has a car?
"And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn't work, don't buy it. Create your own."
I seriously think the culture today is wrong. The culture today has been swarmed into a vicious cycle of self-fulfilment, self-achievement, self-centred and non-feeling.
For example, charity drives. Why is there a need to top it up with incentives? Why must people donate only because they stand a chance to win this prize? And if it is truly charity, the telcos should waive that freaking 5% GST and that 20 cents surcharge! When the telephone system was first implement, calls costs $5.00. Now they cost a freaking $5.80.
It is increasingly difficult to teach the kids now. They do not budge when you use the hard and soft approach to counsel them. Even if they realized they have burnt their fingers, they dun budge. They dun move. It's always ME, ME, ME. If they dun feel like paying attention, they dun. If they dun feel like having a meeting, they dun. If they dun wanna budge, they dun.
For example, I can never accept the culture of my school. When they want to look for lunch kaki, they approach you. When you ask them to wait, they go off and eat first. So, what's the point of asking you as lunch kaki? And you ask them to eat with you, they said," oh... friend is picking me up later, so cant eat with you." And next time, when I have already eaten, they would ask me to accompany them to eat. Do they seriously know how to make friends?
"Create your own (culture). Most people can't do it. They're more unhappy than me - even in my current condition."
Before I can create my own culture, I have to think of what is my culture.
Here's what I can think of:
- An altruistic perception of things. I have definitely grown less trusting, less naive and gullible BUT less generous. I feel I can be more generous. And the only reason why I am less generous is because I want to protect myself from being taken advantage of (see how the culture works?)
- I want to love people. But I can't give them my fullest love because they do not reciprocate it. Dun get me wrong. I give love, not expecting to be recognized or acknowledged but when they dun budge (for their own benefit), I find it so difficult to love them.
- I want to make people feel good about themselves. No one is born bad or less equal. Everyone is made up of their own talents and gifts. It's just that the culture thinks less of the gifts and talents individuals possess (that are not in great want by society.) Everyone can do what they want to do. It's just that they need that encouragement to give them that morale booster.
- I want to believe that I have my own talents and I am special and unique. That I shouldn't measure myself by the yardsticks the culture is using. I am good in what I am doing.
So, the ultimate question, given the culture I am in, am I still happy?
By societal standards, I am not.
But by God's standards, I am.
I am happy to have my family who is always beside me. Who can crack jokes with me. Who makes me feel comfortable with them. Who makes me feel accepted in their community.
I am amazed at the amount of effort I have put into my teaching career. Even though these efforts are not reciprocated by my students, I am thankful that for every difficulty I had encountered, I have flew closer to Jesus and asked Him for help. I have grown in humility, patience, trust and wisdom.
I am thankful for having carried Confirmation on my shoulders. Given that situation last time, a normal person by societal standards couldn't have bothered to carry on with this baggage. But I did. And everyday, in blind trust, I try, with as much effort as I can, to place my trust onto my team members (even though I do not know what they are doing.) And given that I have become quite a skilled nagger, I have learned how to pluck up my courage and to gently reprimand any neophyte for late-coming. It's a dirty job and I dun like to do it but I am glad I have learned how.
I am happy with what I have. A fairly good complexion (given that I do not use any facial wash at all, except a daily application of a moisturizer in the morning.) Small face, big body. With big feet, I still manage to get some shoes (that will kill me nevertheless). I still manage to get my clothes even though I have to pay A LOT for them. I can cook (if I want to) and I am fairly comfortable now. And I am not laden with any starking illness like hypertension, diabetes, etc.
The only thing that makes me feel inferior, I was thinking the whole night, is my body. Being obese doesn't help in my job, doesn't help in my interaction with my students. By societal standards, I will leave a better impression if I am slimmer. By God standards, who cares? One should want to be slim if he/she wants to take care of his/her health as we are stewards of our own health.
Honestly, if I am slimmer, I am sure I will be more confident. I am sure I will excel in my workplace. And I am sure I will get a boyfriend. But again, what's the purpose of all these? To keep up with societal standards or god standands?
And again, why is there a need to separate societal standards with that of God's? As Catholics, aren't we supposed to view our world as ONE world, with GOD?
(Can you see that culture has split up the world into one secular and spiritual world?)
I went for confession yesterday. And during my confession, I confessed about my inferiority complex. And the priest, before his absolution, told me to be grateful for what God has bestowed upon me.
The only way to create my own culture is through God. I can't create my own culture by myself. I cannot be alturistic, knowing that anyone can hurt me. I cannot have the capacity to give and give and to love and love till it hurts (and still give again). I cannot have the willpower to lose weight. And I cannot have the courage to be confident of myself and to think of myself highly. I cannot have the courage to overcome my fear.
I can't do it without God.
If I were to ever do it with God, I would believe my culture will be created and that will be the point in time when the society and God will be merged.
As they were proceeding on their journey someone said to him, "I will follow you wherever you go." Jesus answered him, "Foxes have dens and birds of the sky have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to rest his head."
Luke 9:57-58
A Child of God blogged @ | 11:51 pm
