This entry will perhaps be followed by a few other entries, thus I named this part 1.
The reason why I did so is because, I am adjusting to the new life I am having - Teaching. It's not that bad but I find myself having to change a few mindsets and adopting a few paradigm shifts.
For example, in the private sector, I always have to be wary that people could anytime backstab me. But after spending 3 days in AJ so far, I am kinda touched by the willingness to help. I didn't expect them to help but they are so kind to open up their mouths to offer their help. I could feel it, that there wasn't any malice whatsoever, but just sheer sincerity. And interestingly enough, I need to learn to let go of my guard and to chill a little.
There are many tapes to go through in teaching. For those who are students, dun think that it is so easy to teach. Besides taking care of kids, we have to create many tapes and to go through them as well. Papers and papers, meetings and meetings... not used to it. Think I better come up with a good filing system.
The other thing is my prayer life. I could either go for morning mass or evening mass. But morning mass requires me to wake up at 5am... which is ..... and evening mass is a bit too late, by then I would be too tired for mass. Praying the rosary... hmm... I can't pray the rosary on my way to school anymore but I did pray as I walk from AJ to Nanyang Poly's bus stop. That was a great experience cos it was having a prayerful walk, walking with Mother Mary and God. But if I did not pray the rosary at the start of my day, I feel weird... I have been doing that for 2 years!
So in short, there are many things to get used to, such that I need time to settle down. In 1 more week's time, I will be having my 4 tutorial classes. I still need my password to access the intranet and I need to ask from a fellow colleague whom I don't know. Oh yah... dun laugh at this... I am not used to the fact that I am a teacher and I have authority... and I have status... hahahah... need to drill into my head man... and it will feel weird having to tell a student to tuck in her blouse. Kekekek...
Besides teaching, there is another aspect of my life which I need some settling down. I shan't be specific here but these 2 aspects share similar grounds.
Basically, these 2 things involve change. And coming from a person who likes to be comfortable (or at least know what's happening), I simply do not know what's going to happen next. And not knowing what will happen next brings fear. I'm scared that I will not be able to cope the change. I'm scared that I will not be able to adapt.
When teaching goes into full steam, I do not know how much I can contribute to RCIY. Of course, I have another year to play around with because if I enter NIE in July, I will have 1 year to serve in RCIY, totally undisturbed. But if I teach after NIE, I will be so tired and all that. How much more can I contribute? Can I contribute as much as I want to?
The other similar base between the 2 aspects is the need for me to be willing and not wilful. On my 2nd day at Lourdes, when I attended an English mass by a South African priest, he mentioned the need to be willing - to surrender to God, to be trusting in Him and less wilful - not letting go of my will, my own thinking, etc. I have many obstacles to overcome. One of which is my great fear of authority. I realized that I tend to be very fearful of my superiors, such that I look upon them as my BOSS, instead of my friends. In this stint, I am going to look upon my HOD as my friend, and less as a superior. Yes, gonna try that out.
To be willing is indeed difficult cos I will need to be open and trusting. This means that even though I am fearful, even though I have my own perceived limitations, I have to surrender and to be gung ho to take it up, to take on whatever responsibilities that come my way. And I find that difficult, because then, I have to learn to place GREATER trust and faith in God.
Things are rolling out from this week onwards. So far, I am very grateful to God for giving me a good environment in school, with nice and friendly colleagues. They all have smiles plastered all over their faces and the newbies are friendly enough to jio me into their meal kakis. Perhaps I am the only untrained teacher and that kinds makes me the odd one out but I gotta learn to deal with that.
Will be attending RCIY this week. I really wonder how much has RCIY changed over the span of 16 days.
So that's why I need to settle down... but let me make a resolution here. That I will draw closer to God, surrendering to Him all my fears and anxieties. That whatever comes along, may I accept it graciously, humbly and ever so smiling. Let me have the grace to be Your bearer of Your will, Lord. Amen.
Mark 6:45-52
After the five thousand had eaten and were satisfied, Jesus made his disciples get into the boat and precede him to the other side toward Bethsaida, while he dismissed the crowd. And when he had taken leave of them, he went off to the mountain to pray. When it was evening, the boat was far out on the sea and he was alone on shore. Then he saw that they were tossed about while rowing, for the wind was against them. About the fourth watch of the night, he came toward them walking on the sea. He meant to pass by them. But when they saw him walking on the sea, they thought it was a ghost and cried out. They had all seen him and were terrified. But at once he spoke with them, "Take courage, it is I, do not be afraid!" He got into the boat with them and the wind died down. They were completely astounded. They had not understood the incident of the loaves. On the contrary, their hearts were hardened.
