For God so loved the world..

Monday, December 13, 2004

*.* Being loved *.*

God spoke to me today and through many people.

To all those in RCIY who are reading this right now... I confess to you, my brothers and sisters (nope not my sins!) that I am going through a difficult time right now. It has come to my realization that I am losing ground... losing purpose... losing myself... it's like for 2 weeks in a row, I have been really late for class! I am so sorrie to all my beloved catechumens for letting them down.

My difficult time is this... that I am currently rethinking of my position in RCIY. Is this the right ministry for me to serve? Can I give? Can I still give? Do I want to give? Am I able to give no matter how much it takes, at whatever costs, no matter how much it hurts? Am I able to do that?

So in this roundabout confusion, where I am going in circles and coupled with many other distractions (like my overdue claims, family stuff, tuition kid, etc), I am actually a person in great need and want.

And when I woke up late for class, the first thing I thot of was... shit! Let RCIY down again... some more supposed to be a pillar of support for the sponfrienders... and then thought of my catechumens... so I fought against every thought of staying in bed and got up for class.

Reached class at 11am and for the last time in 2004, I went up to book pews. My heart was sinking... I dunno why but when I saw someone, my heart was pained. The look on that someone was pained too...

When class ended, I got an unexpected gift from the fivesome - Meixia, Alycia, Shawn, Leslie and Juliet. Their excited looks, their expectant faces... they all came up to me with their big gifts, nicely wrapped so excited, as if they are opening up their own Christmas pressies! The effort they did to the ultra big card, the significance of the plaque, the thoughts gone into choosing the choker and bracelet... I dun really deserve it.

In addition, I thank God for Elaine... bit by bit, I am very happy to see her putting effort for herself and for her relationships with the people around her. She did something very special for me today and I am very happy for her that she did it. It took her a lot of courage and bravery to do that. And I am glad she did it.

I am indeed touched. Very touched. Extremely touched. Infinitely touched. It's not about the gifts really. It's rather about being loved when I am a needy soul. I have always been a giving person such that people have said that I have refused to be receiving or to be carried but always being the one to give and to carry.

And try as I might, I am finding it difficult to give. I can only say I tried my very best, dear Catechumens. I really tried and I am so sorry if I cannot give what you need for the past 2 weeks and before that.

God sent me all of you today so that I would be carried. He wanted to drill into me the main purpose of serving in RCIY. It's not about glory. It's not about the structure. It's not about positions. It's not about having authority. It's rather about the purpose to why RCIY was set up in the first place - letting inquirers know who is God and to lead them into strong believers of the Catholic Faith.

And by feeling loved, I can only say I am very very touched. I never knew the instrumental roles I had in your lives. I never knew how much pain I felt and yet, by receiving this gift of love, it overpowers the darkness of pain. And the sweetest of it all, all these came from the catechumens whom I was carrying all along.

I don't deserve all of it. I don't deserve the love you have showered on me. I feel I have not done anything much... all I wanted to do in RCIY was to share faith and to share God with you. And I really feel the rest of the sponfrienders and God deserve this recognition as well. Without them, I do not think I would be His instrument to all of you.

I can only say this... I guess I will be going in a roundabout circle till I leave for France. No worries... I am not in a hyper-delusional or depression state. But rather, I am so looking forward to taking a pit stop and finding back my purpose and my significance of my purpose. I know I will come back refreshed but I am rather sad to leave on a heavy heart... missing RCIY very very much and not reconciling with my friend.

Thank you my dear catechumens for touching my life very much. I believe God has sent all of you for a purpose - to bring me back to the focus of serving in RCIY and I will hold on very firmly to what you have done for me and to the love you have showered on me.

I thank God for blessing me with you people and yes, will be praying for all of you in France!

"Then the king will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father. Inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, a stranger and you welcomed me, naked and you clothed me, ill and you cared for me, in prison and you visited me."
Matthew 25:34-36

A Child of God blogged @ | 4:39 am