*.* A very long entry but I guess it's worth the read. *.*
Hellos... am a bit tired today cos went shopping with my mum in Chinatown... Had to buy stuff to prepare for our trip next Thursday (oh my... it's THAT fast...) Didn't really want to blog today but today's readings were very meaningful, especially when today is the feast of the Immaculate Conception...
Today is like any ordinary day. It is an ordinary day cos I was having those usual ordinary thoughts.. like:
1) Am I going to be posted to a school first or to NIE for training?
2) When will MOE notify me of my posting? Cos I am super anxious to know so as to start planning.
3) When will I ever have the guts to drop my last Econs student? I am reallie getting a bit tired of giving tuition.
4) Will my ex boss pay me in FULL what is due? I plucked up my courage and called him today. And he said he will pay me on Monday.
I guess, as I was just sharing with my tuition kid today that I am hanging in the air, particularly with my MOE, my rightful claim to my overdue payments. Somehow... I feel I am not moving. And when I am not moving, I am just hanging in the air, waiting for the next swing... So basically, I am getting a little but impatient, bored and "would-you-hurry-up-and-let-me-know-asap" kind of mood...
Perhaps I want to know what's happening so that I will be certain of where I am going; so that I will be prepared (especially mentally). I hate to be anxious... what if my boss does not pay me in full? I will be very broke during my holiday in France.
"In him we were also chosen,destined in accord with the purpose of the One who accomplishes all things according to the intention of his will,so that we might exist for the praise of his glory,we who first hoped in Christ."
Ephesians 1:11-12
When I read today's second reading, it further affirmed what I was thinking today. In my moment of consoling myself, I was telling myself that since God willed me to enter teaching, whatever posting I get (to a school or NIE) has a purpose - His purpose.
He has chosen me to go into teaching by sending so many angels to nudge me to apply for it. And I know that when I go into teaching full steam, I will discover His purpose for Him wanting me to go into teaching. So likewise, now, I am further convinced that whether I am posted to NIE or to a school, I should be assured that He has a purpose for me in that place, at that moment in time.
Honestly, many things are still hanging in the air for me. I am really hoping and praying that I would get the full payment from my ex boss on Monday (and in CASH) cos otherwise, I will be v worried for my expenses in France. Perhaps also, God has His purpose for letting me go through this. Cos now, while praying for my due payments in full, I am also praying for Amin, that this episode will lead him to a conversion of heart... that he will learn to to do his business ethically and honestly.
To add on, I am deeply troubled by this friendship that may be going down the drain. I hope that friend is thinking about it. (But I don't think so lah) If this friendship is not repaired, I may have to do something I hate to do. And I am actually in a dilemna as to what to do next. 60% of me wants to be there while the 40% is kinda tired, fed up and wants to pack up. But I know my inclination is towards that 60% but if that friendship is not going to be repaired, I wonder how I can be there with a flawed friendship...
I reallie hope to be there even if that friendship does not work out. Cos I believe God has His purpose for placing me there. But if I am there, it's gonna get real tough and I hate to imagine how tough it would be. I am so so in a dilemna...
But if I look at today's Gospel's reading (Luke 1:26-38) which was about the Annunciation, Mary was greatly troubled when Angel Gabriel announced that she is full of grace and the Lord is with her. While it is great to know that God is with her, Mary was nevertheless, afraid. She somehow knew that there lies something beneath which God wants her to do. But Angel Gabriel assures Mary and says "Do not be afraid, for God has chosen you."
And upon knowing that she has to bear Jesus, she was in denial and asked "How is this possible? How can I carry Jesus when I am not even married? I will be stoned to death!" But Angel Gabriel said something truly enlightening... "The Holy Spirit will come upon you and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. Nothing is impossible to God."
Here, Angel Gabriel reveals that Jesus is to be conceived by the Holy Spirit but if we look deeper, the Holy Spirit will not onlt conceive Jesus in Mary's womb, the Holy Spirit will be Mary's advocate... giving her the strength, faith, wisdom, graces to carry this cross Jesus has given her. Nothing is impossible to God for the power of the Most High will overpower our own limited human strength and wisdom.
I got greatly struck by this Gospel cos it further drummed into me that whatever direction I am going, I should not fear or be too anxious about it at all. If I keep my eyes fixed on God, if I let it be done according to His will, whom shall I fear? God is with me. And the Holy Spirit will be my advocate, my advisor, my wisdom, my guide, my stronghold... the Holy Spirit will be praying on behalf of my human self (if I were to ever sink so deep into despair or worry.)
That is, if I am willing to be God's handmaid (servant), just like Mary. Mary was humble. Not only she was humble, she was full of grace such that she trusted in God that He had laid out a plan for her. It was not HER plan but HIS plan. And she trusted in Him and obeyed Him.
For me... God has revealed His purpose for me during this retreat/pilgrimage/holiday I will be taking in France:
1) To discern what is my role in teaching.
2) To think about my friendship with that friend... hopefully it gets repaired before I leave.
3) To discern why I should continue to give or maybe, stop giving.
4) To discern how I can continue to keep giving.
5) My life in 2005.
At least now I know that whether I should continue to give or not to give, does not wholly depend on that sickening factor. No matter what, if I continue to give, God will be my everything and will give me what I need to last through. Yesh... I am so convinced of that. :o)
Okies.. this is a very long blog.. took one hour plus to type it. But I am glad it's a good one. Hope you enjoyed reading it. :o)
