Saturday, October 09, 2004
*.* Of crosses, trials and tribulations *.*
I have been a Catholic for the past 4 years, 5 months and 17 days.
Before my baptism, my sponsor told me that my journey with Christ starts now. At that time, the innocent me had a very naive impression of "my journey with Christ". I simply thought it would be going through baptism, confirmation and having a Christ-filled life.
Alas, I was wrong. Soon after I got baptized, my dad got a stroke. At that time, I was angry with God and I couldn't handle the situation well. I was unable to accept that my family life was no longer the same. My dad could no longer be the same person he was. I mean, he was able to function on his own but a stroke patient will nevertheless, carry emotional burdens. And the family has to carry them with him.
And so on and so forth... my family has gone through a series of financial difficulties. There were days when we had no food on the table. There were days when my parents had no money and had to borrow from their children. We sold most of our precious possessions. My mum sold the diamond ring my dad gave on her 21st birthday. She sold everything.
We got into debts. The banks were hounding us day to day. And here I was, struggling in my studies. Studies was difficult, especially when I am not an intelligent kid and my peers are way above me. And my dad was unemployed at that time. So, this increased the gravity of our financial debts and problems.
And then, this year, April 14th, my dad passed away. Just before his children could provide him with a better life. Just before he could relish his CPF savings. Just before we could tell him we love him. Yes, God took my dad away. And my dad is not coming back anymore.
Whenever I remind myself that Papa is gone, it hurts me through and through. I hate to see October 14th coming. It is a happy and sad day. It's my birthday but yet, it's also my dad's 6th months death anniversary. I wished he was here. Even though he is not an active participant of birthday celebrations, even though papa did not give me presents, he enjoyed birthday dinners cos that was when he could eat and eat a lot. And I would just miss his presence during these dinners. Perhaps that was why, we hardly celebrate birthdays now at home.
God has given myself and my family many crosses. In fact, I know that my life will be filled with many crosses. But I thank God for all these crosses. Otherwise, I wouldn't have grown into a deeper and fuller understanding of God. I would not have understood the meaning of faith.
When Mother Mary watched her son, Jesus, scourged, slapped, ridiculed and crucified on the cross, her heart must be definitely wrenched, twisted, stretched and bled with so much pain, sorrows and hurt. That was why her other name is Mother of Sorrows. In a way, I can unite this with myself. I felt like that when Papa died so suddenly and when I saw him going into the cremation room...
I am trying very hard not to cry now. I just wished Papa is here so that I can tell him something very happy. God! Why must You do this?!
I can't thank God for taking my dad away yet. But I thank Him for making myself and my family go through this. I have learnt to seek refuge in Him. I have learnt to give myself - my sorrows, hurts, pain, burdens to Him, especially in the Blessed Sacrament. I have learnt the virtues of faith, patience, trust, wisdom, love, humility, selflessness and unworthiness.
Yes, I am unworthy to receive Him but God is so gracious that time and again, amidst my trials and tribulations, He scooped me up on His eagles' wings and carried me. I am indeed unworthy for the times I felt He has abandoned me. And I thank God for His amazing grace.
God has a reason for me to go through this. Perhaps one of these reasons is to be His instrument to other people, to help them to know who is God and to share with them a Christ-centred (instead of a Christ-filled) life. And I pray He would make me His instrument. Amen.
So long as we live in this world we cannot escape suffering and temptation. Whence it is written in Job: "The life of man upon earth is a warfare." Yet temptations, though troublesome and severe, are often useful to a man, for in them he is humbled, purified, and instructed. The saints all passed through many temptations and trials to profit by them, while those who could not resist became reprobate and fell away. There is no state so holy, no place so secret that temptations and trials will not come. Man is never safe from them as long as he lives, for they come from within us -- in sin we were born. When one temptation or trial passes, another comes; we shall always have something to suffer because we have lost the state of original blessedness. We should not despair, therefore, when we are tempted, but pray to God the more fervently that He may see fit to help us, for according to the word of Paul, He will make issue with temptation that we may be able to bear it. Let us humble our souls under the hand of God in every trial and temptation for He will save and exalt the humble in spirit. In temptations and trials the progress of a man is measured; in them opportunity for merit and virtue is made more manifest."
From The Imitation of Christ by Thomas à Kempis
A Child of God blogged @ | 2:13 am
