Wednesday, March 16, 2005
*.* Tuesday - Loneliness *.*
Tuesday is not a good day as Monday.Tuesday started off at 12 noon. The medicine I took knocked me out and so I couldn't wake up on time for morning mass. I woke up at 12, had my lunch. After lunch, did some data collation to the mini survey I carried out with my classes. And then I decided to clean up my wardrobe.I threw away 18 sets of clothings. Basically, I threw away blouses and skirts that I haven't worn for 2-3 years. Now my wardrobe looks less packed but it also means that it's time I stocked up...And this is where Tuesday went downhill:I was supposed to go for an AJ concert with 2 colleagues, MJ and GH. MJ smsed me in the morning saying that she can't make it. Okays.. accepted. Then, I smsed GH in the afternoon to confirm that we are meeting up. Guess what? He forgot... So nevermind.. gentle reminder. And then, we decided that we will not meet for dinner and go straight to VCH. okays... so I gotta have my dinner outside then... All these took place before I had my nap at 3pm.And so when I woke up at 3 pm, I had this strange feeling that I am going to be alone for the entire concert. I started to call friends to accompany me for the concert but no one. So I thought to myself... well, so be it... I will just go by myself and get used to it. And then, after my nap, I decided to have an early dinner... 6 Julie's peanut biscuits and milo kosong. I wore a simple black blouse, put on make up and sat 107 to VCH. And then GH smsed me to say that he will be late, still eating at Marina Square and I will go in by myself. Go in by myself? So loser man... so loner... But I have no choice. So while talking to Jeri on my hp, I made my way down to my seat and sat there, hoping for someone to talk to me. On my right, were 2 kids of a fellow teacher. On my left was a Maths teacher with her husband. After the 1st half ended, GH smsed me saying he left VCH already. He sat through the first half and decided to leave to watch a movie. Great... now I am really all alone...Here's my winings... this whole blog is dedicated to my winings.I think I am really pathetic. Today is sooooo pathetic. I practically went for a concert myself and went home myself. As I look around, if the teachers did not have their partners, they had their friends. But I was all alone. And as I walked through Esplanade to get home, I was hungry and was thinking of calling my friends out for supper. But hmm... they are either attached or busy or... I dun wanna give them the wrong idea?I wanted to take a breather by the Esplanade or take a looooooong bus ride home but this time, loneliness was toooo much to bear. It's no longer peaceful solitude; it's loneliness. For the 1st time after a long time, I suddenly yearned for a partner. I was suddenly thinking of that someone. The urgency to get attached was really present. And I really felt like a loser not being attached. Will I ever get attached?So how did I spend the rest of the evening?Nope, I didn't have my dinner outside. Was tempted to satisfy my emotional moods with Macs. But I didn't. Fast food is unhealthy and eating it would only satisfy ur emotional moods temporarily, only to develop a perpetual reliance on these emotional foods.Nope, I didn't take a looooong bus ride home. I took a bus to Dhoby Ghaut, then took the NEL to Hougang. I got out the wrong exit which led me to the wrong bus stop. Loser. Frustrated, I took a taxi home, costing $3.So how did I settle my dinner?I took 4 slices of kaya bread, ignoring the high coconut and sugar content. I then drank soursop juice and ate my dinner with my mum. Shit man... How different is watching movies alone from attending a concert alone? Why do I have a different feeling about both? And why am I thinking that it's time to get a boyfriend now? Why am I thinking that I need one now? Why am I wondering will I ever ever get attached and get married?I hate this kind of feeling. It totally sucks.If there is 1 good thing about today, it is going to be God and my guardian angels preventing me from getting a sprain. As I was getting off the bus on my way to VCH, I tripped over the first step of the bus and did a "flying fox", skipping the 2nd step and landed on the ground, perfectly safe. I knew that God must have been carrying me and somehow, ensured that I land safely. Otherwise, I cannot walk for 3 weeks man...It must definitely be God and His guardian angels.The 2nd thing is when I prayed along my bus jounrey to VCH that if I had company, goody. If I had not, may I somehow be able to make good small chat with someone. One thing was sure... that when I was feeling lonely, I took consolation in the fact that my loneliness I experienced now cannot be compared to the loneliness that Jesus experienced during His passion - His judgement, His scourging, His carrying of the cross, Him being nailed to the cross and Him dying.His loneliness must be so excruciatingly painful such that He cried out in sheer desolation,"My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:46)
A Child of God blogged @ | 1:40 am
